sunset sky trees

About this Blog

This blog is meant to be fun, very slightly silly and aimed to brighten your day.  The content of this blog is based upon biographical events, imaginary events and characters and truth stretched to fantasy for comedic value.  So please do not judge anyone described in this blog, because it is probably wholly untrue… (apart from my eccentricities and inadequacies, they probably are true) Please note I like to make up words and use terms out of context, so a glossary has been provided.

This blog arose from the stories I tell my colleagues at The Shoreham Art Gallery, a collective run by 24 of us on the south coast.  Every few weeks, I take my turn in looking after the gallery, of course this means sitting at the desk for 7.5 hours and although I can work on my business doing admin or drawing, it is a very long stint without a break.  As when I’m working at home I get many natural breaks when a feline friend sits on my keyboard, sketchbook or drawing board.  So it gets to about 3-4pm, and I need a break, and I sit there thinking up amusing tales I can share with my creative colleagues, some of which make some of them chuckle and probably annoy the rest as I sent this to all their email accounts.  So as an experiment I thought I would share these tall tails with the world as a blog, with the purpose of purely to entertain…
And finally, I am an artist who is dyslexic, so if my grammatical errors are of extreme great offence to you, I apologise, and I would be more than happy for you to offer your free editorial services…

About me..

I’m a full time artist who moved both home and studio to deepest darkest Sussex, as I like to call it, in 2009.  Both myself and my beloved (please see glossary) grew up in rural Hampshire, and so after living for faaar too long in a Surrey metropolis we decided to move to a green patch on the map located in Sussex.  We enjoy our rural idyll, however it is close to nothing, we have to travel 15-25mins before we reach a town and even longer to find a city, therefore I call it deepest darkest Sussex!  Here we reside with two kitties, one 16 years, grumpy and geriatric, who lost his brother 3 years ago, and a very excitable rescue kitten who is currently enjoying EVERYTHING at high speed… this, of course, much to the annoyance and disgust of the old, grumpy fluffy ginger incumbent -especially when she attempts to play with his tail…  So this refers to the “tails” in the title of this blog, a play on words, and a deliberate misspelling of the “tales” that this blog will contain.  The tales of course will be very much “tall” because as the aforementioned paragraph explains, they are not entirely true… and also beloved is 6’7” and will probably feature now and again…

 

 
 
 
 

Evicting Squatters

I have been having a rather traumatic 2 weeks, believe it or not, because we appear to have an illegal squatter, who is stealing food from the kitchen, evidence has mostly been found in the presence of nibbled potatoes… hmmm.  I have suspected for a while, and indeed I subsequently found a small pile of black dots on my clean tea towels, needless to say everything was removed and washed at stupidly high temperatures and all of our ultrasound (ultrasonic? Anti rodent plug in) devices checked, tested and settings alternated…

BUT my biggest query of this miniature invader is WHY have my fluffy ones not embarked on a SWAT team style of hunting, stalking and destroying the said intruder? After all, that is their MAIN purpose in life because you can’t live in the sticks without a good hunter. Now, the little fluffy, cute as cute can be, stray was rescued from homelessness, sleeping in minus temperatures, and THIS is how she repays the numerous, vet bills, spade operation, chipping and costly injections?  She simply spends the night curled up on the spare bed surrounded by warm duvet, awaiting my awakening so she can chase my feet and imbed all her claws into my ankles…  Obviously the ginger geriatric kitty is currently in retirement, and this weather doesn’t help his achy joints even with his medication… so he is off the hook (for once)!

Beloved and I decided that the laissez faire attitude of the now very much pampered kitty meant we would need to take drastic action, in the form of humane traps (yeah, yeah, I know, pathetic soppy one, very much akin to a well-known character in The Dandy, for those who remember, is my middle name).  Finally the little teeny tiny mouse was lured by the smell of Nutella and caught, driven far, far, far away and released in a shaking manner which concussed the poor little rodent. Ooops. But at least it has now been ejected. At which point a little tabby kitten yawned stretched her legs and sauntered into the kitchen to eagerly start smelling the now vacated space left by the trap and looked up at me with her big doughy green eyes as if to say “I smell mouse”….REALLY???? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??? Sigh.

Now we just need to deal with the lazy felines that have started to treat the homestead like a hotel and are becoming very accustomed to the manner in which myself and beloved work hard to keep them in!

 
 

Christmas 2016

Well this was somewhat more hectic than normal, as our little kitten joined our home, very unexpectedly in November.  Named Peanut, after being found eating peanuts on my neighbours bird table, and after a trip to the vet, rescue centre contacted, adverts placed social media full of her photo, she was destined to be the newest member of the local rescue centre as no owner could be found.  So after lots of advice on how to rehome a frolicking kitten with a grumpy old kitty from the much relieved rescue centre, that they weren’t going to receive yet another unwanted animal, we persevered at rehoming the poor little mite.  As after a few days of residing with us, and some very strange behavioural issues, it is very likely that she was abandoned and left to fend for herself.  She spent most of her first few weeks glued to a blanket on a chair in the kitchen and refused to move apart from food and ablutions.  Thankfully (I think) this didn’t last long, she found her new paws very quickly and likes to now race round the house at full speed, managing to leap onto a table and decapitate one of my favourite and more unusual orchids (I collect a variety, and this one was a miniature swamp orchid, which I don’t think will survive the ordeal as all of its leaves have been broken off).

Anyway, I had meticulously planned an extremely lazeee Christmas holiday, a whole two weeks of very little to do… Sadly this was not to be..... my beloved was ill over Xmas and was too ill to make the Christmas meal.... thankfully my mum-in-law stepped in and did it instead, after getting somewhat shocked and exasperated when I replied to her innocent question... "how do you switch on your top oven rather than the grill?"... "no idea" I said with bunny in headlight big round eyes... and as if it would make the situation any better I qualified it with "I don't use the oven" (this is mainly due to the fact I am banned, as I set our previous oven on fire... twice.... - did you know ovens don't survive being set on fire twice? You generally have to buy a new one.)

To this she rolled her eyes and tottered off to find the chef for a sensible response.... ma and pa-in-law were stuck with us for a while as their flight home was cancelled due to all Westjet planes being grounded in Canada due to snow, and all their pilots and planes being in the wrong place!

My parents finally arrived on Xmas day, who simply chuckled at my ignorance in the kitchen, and were surprised that the uninitiated sous chef was just doing as she was instructed... "a first" according to my father.... well mulled wine flowed and the elf racing began, and much hilarity was had by all.  Meanwhile, the kitties were lurking and skulking after a small morsel to drop from the dining table…

By this point, approximately 6 weeks with us, you will be pleased to know that the little kitten has tucked her paws firmly under the table and has realised that she need not venture out into the cold but can lie on a blanket in front of the fire playing with my book worm for hours on end, or preferably watching planet earth, which she particularly enjoys... However Xmas was not a smooth happy kitty week because the little minx managed to get conjunctivitis, the vet cheerfully told me to put in eye drops once a day... hah, funny. This isn't my docile, domesticated, incredibly soppy geriatric ginger kitty, no, this is a semi-feral stray that could claw you to death with one wink of the eye... so yes each morning I chased a FAAAST kitten around the house to lunge and straddle an extremely needle sharp clawed fur ball to squirt gunk in her eye whilst she growled, hissed and spat.... (beloved was obviously too ill to take part in this high jinx, and the in-laws merely watched the entertainment with mild amusement.)

Thankfully this fun and games have now passed, and after being caringly, and lovingly infected with the cold from hell for new year by my beloved - I spent a few days on the sofa snoozing, to which peanut likes to stare at me across the room (personally I think she is eyeing me up to eat me like a pet python would, you never know, she may in fact be the devil incarnate), waits for me to fall asleep where she creeps up and settles down to sleep beside me.... She is not quite a lap cat yet, but I think we just might be getting there.

 

Glossary

Beloved – Long suffering other half/hubby/partner/husband
Homestead – semi rural location in deepest darkest Sussex of our home and my studio, including veggie patch and numerous wildlife